Being alone is easy, but being lonely takes effort.
We’re social animals, which means we like to be in groups. Yes, even that person who loves posting introvert porn on Facebook still has friends and enjoys gatherings of like-minded people from time to time.
In the same way that headaches let us know we might need to drink more water, the feeling of loneliness lets know we’re deficient in human connection. So what if we want to be more lonely? What if our current levels of depression just aren’t doing it for us and we want more?
That’s where creativity is needed. Instead of just avoiding social gatherings or not reaching out to friends when we need help —we need to design our life for loneliness.
Here are seventeen ways you can engineer your life for more loneliness.
1. Live alone.
The best way to ensure you don’t spend time with other people is to create a default setting where there’s no one around.
2. Justify living alone.
You’ll get challenged on this, so make sure you have a good strong list of reasons why you could never live with other people. Go back through your past roommate situations and remember all the bad times, all the times you wish you lived alone, and keep those in the forefront of your mind.
3. Compare living alone to shitty roommates.
Everyone wants to live with people they love, but we know that’s not possible. Always compare the prospect of living alone to living with people you don’t like, that way living alone will always seem more attractive.
Even if you find someone you like, remember that having roommates requires establishing boundaries and using good communication skills. Who wants to do all that work? Avoid all that by living alone.
4. Have as few needs as possible.
Having needs means we increase the chance of having to involve someone else in our life, and we want to keep the option to be alone open at all times.
5. If you have needs, keep them to yourself.
If any pesky needs slip though, make sure no one knows about them. If found out, other people will want to help you, which can be hard to resist, especially when you actually need help. Stop that in it’s tracks by presenting a need-less version of yourself.
6. Overload your romantic partnership.
After you’ve successfully made sure you have as few needs as possible and hidden the rest, dump the remaining ones into your relationship. This will accomplish two things.
- You can justify not putting any effort into your other friendships
- Your partnership will become strained and you will feel disconnected from them (thereby increasing loneliness).
7. Avoid Carpools
Carpools are for poor hippies, and if you carpool you’ll have to rely on the person you’re riding with to leave when you want to. Relying on other people is always troublesome.
8. Uber to the Airport
Driving friends to the airport is so 10 years ago. This helps you avoid being trapped in a small space with your friends (a car), which can sometimes lead to deep and intimate conversation.
9. Talk about yourself as much as possible.
If you happen to be in conversation with people, don’t ask about their lives, don’t be curious what’s going on for them, just talk about yourself. It’s more interesting anyway. This will ensure they feel unappreciated and will increase the chance of them not wanting to talk to you again.
10. Preemptively Reject Your Friends
I recommend a bumper sticker like this one.
11. Publicly Denounce Moochers
By doing this you’re communicating two important things.
- No one should ever ask you for anything.
- You are completely independent and won’t be needing anything from anyone in the future.
12. Emotional Support is Only for Professionals
Always and only turning to hired therapists and coaches when you need emotional support will ensure that your friends never see you vulnerable or weak. It also has the added benefit of people seeing you as perfect, ensuring they will be less likely to turn to you for help when they need it.
13. Keep Your Headphones In
This is a perfect way to dissuade humans from interacting with you. You don’t even need to be listening to music or podcasts, just keep them in anyway.
14. Keep it Professional
When you’re at the grocery store or other places where people are doing jobs, make sure you keep things impersonal. Treat people like the robots they will be replaced with in twenty years. Don’t ask them how their day is going or engage with them on any kind of meaningful level.
15. Use an Identity to Justify Your Behavior
Let’s face it, not everyone will be happy with your isolationist attitude towards the world. Try as you might, there will still be people who care about you and want you to join their groups. This is where a good story comes in.
A classic and socially accepted story is “the introvert”. This title is a get-out-of-gathering free card, and you’ll want to use it as much as possible. With the amount of on-demand TV available through the internet, you should always have an excuse to stay at home.
16. Reject this Entire List as Bullshit
You understand this is satire, and you won’t be fooled by the author’s subtle attempt to get you off your couch. Make sure you go through and dismiss or refute everything here that ruffles your feathers.
17. Fight Back
Go to the Boodaism Facebook page and leave a comment how the author must just be an extrovert and doesn’t understand introverts.