I’m a walking contradiction.
On one hand I believe in self-expression and sharing your opinions, even when they make other people uncomfortable. That’s what Boodaism is all about.
On the other hand, my heart breaks when something I say makes someone feel bad or limits our ability to feel close to each other. Even if we resolve it later (which is often the case), it still stings in the moment.
That just happened, after a Facebook post I wrote yesterday, and it happens to me a few times a month.
For all the “rah rah, this is my opinion so go fuck yourself” that my writing can sometimes project, there’s this other side of me that wants to remind people that however they are and whatever they think is totally beautiful.
In some strange way I’m torturing myself when I write a piece that has some fire to it, because it’s almost as if I’m asking for pain. And yet, it would be torturing myself to not write it.
That’s the conflict, if I don’t speak up I torture myself, if I do speak up I torture other people (and myself by proxy).
Torture either way.
Even this dialogue might upset someone who thinks I shouldn’t have to censor myself to cater to people’s feelings. I come across those people as well.
At the end of the day, all I can do is embrace this contradiction and love it, just as I would love all my children, even if they were completely different.
I can love the different parts of myself for different reasons.
The part of me that speaks my truth and creates friction is beautiful, because it allows me to stand for my unique, individual expression. It protects me from self-sacrifice and inspires other people to express themselves as well.
The part of me that wants everyone to feel good is beautiful because it’s connected to humanity. It remembers that we’re all on the same team, and that everything I project onto other people is just a reflection of myself.
I can also be critical of those different parts for different reasons, which is important too.
My out-spoken, abrasive side is often driven by power and control. If I don’t keep that in check I’ll turn into a narcissistic dictator who believes I’m always right. Paula, and other amazing women have been a huge help in keeping that side of me in check.
My sensitive lovey-dovey side is often driven by the need to be liked and approved of. If I don’t keep that in check I’ll become a bag of people-pleasing mush. I’ll ultimately become resentful of other people because they “aren’t letting me be myself” when in reality I’m not taking responsibility for my life.
I gotta love all the parts, and be weary of them as well.
Life as a human.
What a strange animal we are.