How to Pick Up Men Without Being Aggressive

Author’s Note: There is nothing wrong with women being aggressive, in fact — in a culture that tells women to be passive and defer to men, aggressiveness is a beautiful act of rebellion. I personally find women that are forthright and direct extremely attractive.

What I’m going to suggest here is a passive, more classically “feminine” way to pick up a man, and it might help some women who are afraid of being seen as aggressive.

There you are at your favorite organic grocery store.

All of a sudden out of the corner of your eye you spot the man you’ve been looking for all your life.

He’s well-dressed, clean cut but a little rough around the edges and takes his time picking out all the right veggies. You have to meet him, but how? You want to approach him but you don’t want to be too aggressive, yet you don’t want to just sit and hope he comes and talks to you. What’s a girl to do?

There is a way. Some might consider it sneaky, and it probably involves getting out of your comfort zone.

Are you ready?

You walk up and ask for his help.

It doesn’t matter what you ask, as long as he gets to feel like he’s helping you. Why is this? Men are machines built to eat, sleep and solve problems. Whether it’s starting a company that changes the world or opening that jar of pickles, we are incredible at solving problems.

Women can solve problems too, why should they ask a man?

This is true, women can also solve problems. In fact, I haven’t found one thing yet that men can do that women can’t. I really mean that. The reason you want to ask a man for help is that it gives him the gift of being useful. When you ask a man for help and he feels appreciated it feels great!

When you give us the gift of helping you, we get so excited, because it’s what we were born to do. Throw in a smile and it might literally be the highlight of our day.

“Highlight of our day”? Isn’t that a little ridiculous?

It sounds ridiculous, but nothing could be truer. Every man wants to be a hero. In a strange way, many men literally go through the world waiting for something to go wrong so we can help. It’s the reason you see some men carrying tools for no apparent reason, we want to be ready to help when we’re called. Have you ever noticed how happy a dog is when it gets to do what it was born to do? To some people it may look like “work” but to the dog it’s the happiest moment of his life. Just like Border Collies love herding and Beagles love tracking, men love problem solving.

As a man, I can’t express enough how much I want to be a part of woman’s lives through service. When I am invited into a woman’s life to help with something, whether it’s fixing a toaster or just a shoulder to cry on, it moves me. I really mean that. It’s an experience I will never forget. I’ve never felt more like a man when I have the honor of comforting a woman as she cries on my shoulder.

There are millions of men who feel useless because women haven’t given them the gift of asking for their help. Millions. Everywhere there are women who want support and men who want to give it, we’re just too afraid to open up to each other. It doesn’t matter what the relationship, father to daughter, girlfriend to boyfriend or brother to sister, we would do such a service to each other if we allowed other people into our lives to help.

How is asking for help going to make him want to ask me out?

Here’s what happens when you go ask him for help… you create a spark of attraction. He feels like more of a man when he helps you and you get the experience of being taken care of. It’s beautiful, and it creates sexual attraction, which means you instantly become more attractive to him, all because you let him into your life.

You also get the chance to flirt with him, and important piece of this puzzle. Give him some signs that you’re into him and he’ll see that it would be a good idea to ask you out. Don’t just stand there like a statue while he gives you directions, make eye contact, touch him and open your body language so he gets that you like him. Yes, you have to show him that you like him, otherwise he won’t know.

What’s wrong with being aggressive?

If you are simply looking to get laid as a woman, there is no better way that walking up to a guy, being aggressive and saying “hey, come with me”. I totally encourage that, just don’t expect that guy to want anything to do with you outside the bedroom.


You aren’t treating him like a man, and he doesn’t feel like one with you, he feels like a boy. He will call you only when he wants sex and he won’t want to introduce you to his friends. Then you’ll get mad at him for not treating you with respect when you never respected him in the first place.  By the way, this way of being is why men refer to some women as “cougars”, it’s not just because of their age, it’s how aggressive they are.

Isn’t it too obvious when I ask for help? Won’t he know that I’m just hitting on him?

I hope he knows you’re hitting on him, wouldn’t that be nice? Flirting with him is required here, there’s no getting around it. I don’t know any man that would be unhappy knowing that a woman is hitting on him. The only thing that’s stopping you is your fear of rejection. You’ve decided that putting yourself out there isn’t worth the potential reward of being with a partner that makes you happy.

It’s also important to understand that men are mostly unaware of social cues. When I say unaware, I mean that even the most unaware woman could run circles around any man when it comes to this stuff. We don’t get it. Make it obvious!  What is the worst thing that happens? He doesn’t ask you out? How is that worse than not talking to him at all?

This is not an exercise in navigating your comfort zone, it’s about taking control of your life so you can have the relationship you want.


Get weekly thought-provoking essays that question the status-quo
(and question questioning the status-quo).