Do you know the most dangerous man in the world?
It’s not the man who is trained to kill, it’s not the billionaire who is obsessed with money and it’s not the zealot bent on converting everyone to his religion.
The most dangerous man is the one who can’t get laid.
That’s because when a man feels powerless around sex, violence is a logical outlet. In fact, studies have shown that cultures with the highest levels of sexual repression also have the highest level of violence.1 When a man can’t get his sexual needs met, nothing else matters.
Here is evidence of what a man will do when he is powerless around sex.
A War on Women
In 2014, a 22-year old named Elliot Rodger shot and killed six people in Santa Barbara, after posting a YouTube video where he blamed all the women who rejected him and the sexually active men who got what he so badly wanted.
In his final video he articulates the cause of his pain:
For the last 8 years of my life, ever since I hit puberty, I’ve been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires, all because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection, and sex, and love to other men, but never to me. I’m 22 years old and still a virgin. I’ve never even kissed a girl.2
While nothing could ever justify the violence Elliot caused, it’s worth taking a minute to consider the pain he went through, all because he couldn’t get laid. That’s the reality for far too many men alive today. Getting women to love them can at times be a hopeless endeavor.
So how do we try and help these men?
Most people try and help them deal with their feelings. They want to hug them and tell them how everything is going to be alright, but that’s not what they need and it’s not what they respond to. That’s like trying to explain nutrition to someone who hasn’t eaten in a month.
What these men need is agency. They need to know that they can produce results in their love life, whether that’s get laid, get into a relationship or both.
Given this obsession with “success”, most people would wonder why men don’t just pay for sex, and it’s worth considering. First of all, the cultural taboo around paying for sex makes them feel like less of a man.
What’s also true is men hunger to be desired sexually for who they are. Even a man who is rich or famous will feel insecure at the thought that women only want him for what he as achieved. Men want to feel in control of their life, and they want to feel like they can go out and create the love life they want, not just get lucky.
Enter The Pick Up Artist
For those who aren’t familiar, pick up artists are men whose goal is seduction and sexual success with women. The community formed in the 1980s and grew largely because of internet forums where men could discuss strategies and tactics for picking up women.
Pick up artists are some of the most sexist, misogynistic and morally depraved people I’ve ever met, but they are also the main group of people helping these desperate men. In fact, I’d go so far as to say they are doing a necessary and important service to mankind.
They break down meeting and seducing women into a science, a series of steps and rules so even the most shy and awkward guy can have some level of success.
While pick up artists have helped men from all walks of life, they seem to be especially adept at helping men that are desperate. They give these men hope.
Do I think that as a culture we can do better in helping these men? I do. But currently there is nothing that speaks as directly to the problem and solves it like the pick up artist community.
The End that Justifies the Means
It’s worth taking a minute to talk about where the pick up artist community fails, because it also teaches us something about men.
Where pick up artists fail is they make having sex the end that justifies the means. They position getting laid as the holy grail of achievement and will do whatever it takes to reach that promised land, including manipulation, lying and pushing women beyond their boundaries of consent.
For many men, this is how important sex is. They will literally do anything to get it, because not being able to attract and have sex with women hits the deepest part of our identity as men. In fact, all the other things we strive for like fame, money and success of any kind is ultimately fueled by wanting to be desired by women.
Violence or Misogyny?
Recently a friend of mine sent me a blog that I read start to finish. It’s the 6-week journey of a man who has decided to kill himself, and his last post is one day before he shoots himself in the head on July 1st, 2015.
Throughout the blog, he repeatedly talks about how women aren’t attracted to him, he’s too fat and he has a small dick. He’s a man in his fifties that spent a lifetime struggling with this problem. He chose violence toward himself, but he was in no less pain than Elliot Rodger, who chose violence toward others (and himself).
I couldn’t help but feel compassion for this man as I read his blog, because I can relate to him. In fact, I believe every man can relate to the feeling of hopelessness in getting our sexual needs met, and it’s something we all struggle with at some point in our lives.
Why do I choose to defend pick up artists? It’s not because they are the best role models we have, it’s that they’re willing to speak directly to the needs of men and help solve their problems.
They are willing to help the most dangerous men in the world, and in doing so make the world a safer place for the rest of us.
Come find out at IntimacyFest, happening June 15-18