When it comes to understanding women — nothing beats primary source research. That’s why when I think about straight men who want to improve their love lives, I’d like to suggest something that may seem radical.
I believe men would be better served if they hired a sex worker instead of a dating coach.
I’m going to explain why, and I’m going to talk about how sex workers can do much more than give pleasure, but before we go any further, we need to talk about what sex work is and address the cultural stigma.
Sex Work Is Work
Sex work references those in all areas of the sex industry including those who provide direct sexual services, as well as the staff of such industries. Some sex workers get paid to engage in sex acts or sexually explicit behavior which involve varying degrees of physical contact with clients.1
The thing that you should know about sex work is it’s just like any other profession. There are some wonderful people, some not so wonderful people and everything in between. Since most of us don’t have any examples of sex work being done in a healthy, empowering way (for both parties) we automatically revert to the stereotypes of desperate women and underage girls being forced into the profession, which is a gross misconception.
Sex workers are some of the most empowered women (and men) I know. In my experience, they’re good at communicating their boundaries, they’re financially savvy and most importantly — they make a real, positive difference in the lives of their clients, many of whom come back and see them many times over.
Add to that the fact that we live in a very sexuality repressed culture and act out our frustrations in some fucked up ways, and one could make the argument (as I do) that sex workers are one of the most important professions for helping us maintain a reasonably sane society.2
I should also define what I mean by a dating coach, since that term can also mean several things. To me, a dating coach is like a life coach, but specifically for dating and relationships. They often do amazing work, ranging from talk therapy to actually going out with clients to help them feel more comfortable in social settings. The main difference I’m citing here is that sex workers can do hands-on work, while dating coaches cannot.
Now that we’ve covered that, here are my favorite reasons why men should consider hiring a sex worker instead of a dating coach.
Sex Work Helps Men Overcome Desperation
Going food shopping hungry can be a bad idea. When we’re hungry we make poor decisions about what to buy because we’re preoccupied trying to satisfy our urgent needs.
This is also true of dating, it’s hard to be calm and collected when you haven’t gotten laid in a while. I have a lot of love for the men who hire dating coaches, so what I’m about to say is said with a massive amount of compassion and understanding.
Most of the men who seek out dating coaches are desperate as fuck.
Many of these men are at the end of their rope, feel completely helpless and are excruciatingly lonely. Now imagine that guy trying to have relationships with women from that place. It’s a massive hurdle to overcome.
It’s also a catch twenty-two, because that desperation is precisely what’s stopping him from getting his needs met. “Relax and act cool” is an easy thing to say when you have an abundant love life, but it’s ridiculous advice for a man who hasn’t gotten laid in a year. The best male dating coaches can do is help that guy “fake it ’til you make it” but that process is slow and frustrating, not to mention it trains him to repress things like authenticity and honesty.
Now imagine that instead of finding a man to help him he goes to a quality sex worker. She can help meet his physical and emotional needs on day one, so now when he goes out into the world he feels nourished and fed versus starving and desperate.
It’s worth mentioning again that not all sex workers are capable of this, in fact I would say only a small percentage are. Like most professions, sorting out the best people from the mediocre is essential.
As well as nurturing him with loving touch and filling his sexual needs bucket, a quality sex worker can (and often will) teach men about communication, consent and pleasure. In fact, all of the sex workers I know are thrilled when men come to them wanting to learn because many of them are also experienced sex educators.
This alone — men overcoming the desperation hurdle — will have a massive effect on their ability to relate to women they’re interested in.
It’s also worth mentioning that not all sex workers do “full service” (intercourse) with their clients, and that’s totally fine. I believe that while men may enjoy intercourse, we also need is a deeper kind of embrace. We need to have our sexuality included in the love we receive, because for so many of us we’ve been conditioned to believe that we can only be loved if we diminish our sexual desire.
Speaking of that…
Sex Work Helps Men to Integrate Their Sexuality
Not all sex workers are capable of this, but the ones that are can provide tremendous value to their clients. Generally as men, we have a disconnect between our heart and our sexual desire. It’s related to the Madonna-Whore complex that women experience. We see women as sexual objects or loving beings but it’s hard for us to see them as both.
Sex workers can literally train men in a hands-on way to feel love when experiencing turn-on, and they can guide them and help them manage their sexual energy. So much of what men struggle with is simply being with arousal. It’s like a hot potato, we have to throw it at someone once we get it.
What’s possible instead is getting turned on and staying centered, feeling pleasure and not needing to get somewhere. Is it possible for men to learn this in a book and through practices? Absolutely, but there’s nothing like hands-on training with someone that you trust and can guide you.
In the best case scenario, men can teach other men how to integrate their sexuality by speaking about it and offering practices, but most male dating coaches don’t even see this as important. Learning this from women and actually getting to practice it in a safe, controlled environment could be life-changing for men (it was for me).
Being Good at Sex Gives Men Actual Confidence
Men go through all sorts of crazy bullshit to be seen as confident.
We study the body language of “alpha males”, we wear leather jackets and act cool, we learn the right things to say to make a woman want us, we always have an answer for everything. We are constantly trying to seem confident, no matter how we actually feel on the inside.
And you know what? It’s exhausting. And it doesn’t really work, because women are especially good at picking out inauthentic behavior in men. Often if we think we’ve impressed a woman with our confidence, it’s probably because the woman is choosing us in spite of our ridiculous behavior, not because of it.
So what if instead of faking confidence men could feel something deeper? Something more unshakeable? One huge access to this kind of confidence is being good at sex. Being good at sex doesn’t mean being good at getting women to have sex with you, it means having the ability to tune in to your lovers body and your own in such a way that you feel creative, and free, and empowered when you engage with someone sexually.
It means being educated about sexually transmitted infections and getting tested regularly. It means being able to have conversations with people about what turns them on, and understanding your own body to know what turns you on.
The best sex workers are literally sex professionals. They are good at sex, that’s why they’re doing that job. Who better to learn from than someone who is good at sex, teaches a lot of people, and can go beyond theory and information by working with you hands-on?
You show me a man who is good at sex, and I’ll show you a man who is confident with women.
If I Could Do It All Again
I’ve had some amazing women teach me how to be a better lover. I know that sounds like a cliché but I genuinely feel like a lucky guy. Paula (my previous partner) was an incredible guide through possibilities in sexuality I didn’t even know existed, and yet — I still spent most of my twenties completely lost in this area.
If I could do it all again I would absolutely hire a sex worker to teach me about women, and I would do it around college age. It may have taken me some time to find someone I can trust and really open up to, but once I did I would have invested my time, energy and money into learning from her.
Can you imagine how different your twenties would have been if you got trained to be better at love making instead of video games? Can you imagine how helpful it would have been to have a coach in your corner? It almost makes me a little sad to think how much better it could have been if I had the right kind of help.
Often, older women do this for men, because they typically have a lot of experience and aren’t afraid of telling younger men what they want and teaching them how to do it.
Whenever I meet a man who is regarded as good at sex, he almost always has a story about the first woman who taught him. Often it just takes one lover to show us the way, then we take what we learned and run with it.
The Future of Sex Work
We’re experiencing some rough cultural waters today when it comes to sexual empowerment, especially as it relates to men expressing their desires and helping women feel safe. We’re also seeing a strong grass roots movement to help support sex worker rights. Groups like the Sex Workers Project (SWP) and the Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) are helping to end the cultural stigma around sex work through education and advocacy.
Hopefully in the near future we can experience enough of a shift that sex work is no longer something done by social outcasts, but understood as a valid and often empowering way to meet our sexual needs, and a valid way to make a living. The integration of sex professionals is an important step in our culture transforming it’s relationship to sex.
They say that sex work is the oldest profession.
It may also be the most needed.
There are two bills right now, SESTA and FOSTA that you should be speaking up about if you care about free speech online and the safety of sex workers. The authors of these bills in Congress say they’re designed to fight sex trafficking, but the bills wouldn’t punish traffickers. They would threaten legitimate online speech. Visit stopsesta.org to find out more.
Do you agree? Do you disagree? Let’s hear about it on the Facebook thread.