Stop Blaming Men: Tough Love Advice for Women

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This is an article on the 3 biggest pieces of wisdom that women don’t want to hear. When I say they don’t want to hear it, I mean the advice in this article causes a lot of anger. No one is responsible for you love life but you, and when you really get that, it will set you free.

1. If you have a problem with men, you are the problem

This is the least popular of the three pieces of wisdom, and it’s also the most simple. Men are not your problem, they never have been. The only problems you have with men are your stories about them. Your stories make you a victim, and they have you believing the lie that you are not in control of your experience of life. You are.

The only time you have a problem with men is when you tell a story about what happened where you make men wrong. The same goes for men. If men ever think that a woman is his problem, he is the problem. The moment I think my mother, sister, ex-girlfriend or wife is the problem is the moment I have a problem, and it’s time to look in the mirror. The same goes for you. Your father, brother, abusive uncle, jerk ex-boyfriend, guy who dumped you in high school is never the problem, and the moment you have a problem with them is the moment you have become the problem.

What I’m not saying is “men are perfect”, this isn’t about men at all, it’s about you. You are 100% responsible for your life and how you choose to live is totally up to you. If a man hurts you, you can make them wrong or you can deal with the reality of it. The reality will always be less painful than the story about you being a victim.

(Added 9/30/13) Note: I’m not condoning abusive actions of men. I believe men who abuse women should face the consequences of their actions. My point here is empowering women to always be at choice as to how they live their life. When we create ourselves as victims, even if the crime is heinous, we are telling a disempowering story about ourselves. I know some amazing women who have been through A LOT, probably more than I could ever imagine, and yet they still can hold love for people that have abused them, wronged them and even raped them. I know it’s possible. Is it easy? Absolutely not. I can say with certainty that no matter what happens to us in life, no one can take away our self-esteem, and no one can take away our choice to life with love. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

2. You have no idea what men are thinking

Women spend hours and hours trying to break down, guess, dissect and theorize about what men are thinking. It’s an incredible waste of time. What those women don’t realize is that they will never know what men are thinking. Not sometimes, not ever. It doesn’t matter if you get the best love advice from Dr. Man who wrote “what men think”, you will never really know.

Why do I say this? If you never actually know, you will always have a choice on how to interpret what he says. If a man doesn’t call you for three days you could interpret it as “he doesn’t love me” or “he’s out making an impact in the world”. If a man says “I don’t want you to meet my family yet” you can interpret it as “he doesn’t want to be with me” or “he really sees meeting his parents as a big step and he’s nervous about introducing me”. Your interpretation of what happens is exactly that—your interpretation. It’s not the truth! Why? You will never know the truth. Ever.

Most of us don’t even know the truth about what we are thinking, never mind someone else, and especially someone of the opposite sex. Stop wasting your time. Choose to live your life from love. I love the question “what would love do”. Sure it’s a bit cheesy, but what if you actually did that? You have a choice every moment, to be in love with your life or not, and how you interpret the world will determine how in love with life you are. Always.

3. Prince Charming is not waiting for you

Is Prince Charming out there? Yes he is, but he’s not waiting for you, he’s out dating the woman you want to be. Many women think that if they hope enough, pray enough, manifest enough, vision board enough, that the man of their dreams will come sweep them off their feet. He won’t.

Will he show up at your door someday? Yes, he will, but only if you become the woman he wants to date. Prince Charming is not interested in joining you in your life where you trash men, sulk 24/7 at your job and don’t take care of your body. Why would he? Why would he want to join your in your misery? When you are totally in love with your life, there will be Prince Charmings lined up out your door, because every man wants a woman who loves herself. To attract a confident, assertive man who loves his family, cares about the world and treats you like a goddess but doesn’t put you on a pedestal, you need to work, baby work.

You better believe that Prince Charming is out busting his ass to be the best man he can be. If you can’t say the same about yourself, you have just discovered the reason you’re not attracting him. Dating isn’t about selection, it’s about resonation. For better or worse, we date ourselves, not the person we hope for. To date the man that women want, you must become the woman that men want.

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