I know what it’s like,
To put my heart in a box.
It’s messy organ.
It’s loud,
It bleeds,
Who needs that?
It would all be cleaner and easier, I thought
If there was a nice, heart-shaped box
To contain all the mess.
First I tried a soundproofed box.
I hid my feelings,
Pretended they weren’t there.
When people asked about the faint noise in my chest,
I said it was the clock on the wall.
But they didn’t buy it.
Next I tried to drown it out.
I carried a boombox wherever I went,
Happy, positive music only.
I made sure the volume was high enough,
So that no one could hear my heart.
But the boombox was heavy,
And carrying it everywhere became a burden.
Then I tried a box with a lock and key.
I put the key around my neck for safe keeping.
“I could open it if I wanted”, I thought to myself.
But after years without using the key,
I eventually lost it.
Then I tried building a custom-made box.
I got the best tools in the world.
Tools for communication, tools for relationships,
Tools for vulnerability, tools for deeper connection.
I spread the tools out on my table, and got to work.
I made sure to build the walls strong, but not too strong.
I made sure the material was permeable, but not too weak.
I hung the door, and instead of a key I installed a combination lock,
I wrote down the code, and even shared it with a few close friends.
And things got better.
I stopped worrying so much about my heart,
It didn’t interrupt me at inconvenient times.
My heart finally felt safe. I finally felt safe.
I thought maybe I had finally found a way to control
the loud, messy, bloody, situation in my chest.
But one day,
As I was going through my closet,
Getting rid of old tee shirts,
and asking myself why I had so many guitars,
I thought about my heart-shaped box.
It had been so helpful all these years,
But what if I didn’t need it anymore?
That was a scary thought.
So I took a breath, or three.
What if people heard how noisy it was?
What if some blood spilled out?
What if someone got access when I didn’t want them to?
I had no answers,
But I was feeling bold,
So ever-so-slowly,
I removed the box around my heart.
I even kept it, just in case.
I felt lighter,
I breathed a sigh of relief.
I wish I could tell you,
That my life is easier now.
Maybe it is,
Maybe it isn’t.
All I can say for sure,
Is that music is richer,
Good movies make me cry,
And sometimes I don’t have words for things.
And the sex.
Well.
Ughh.
Psht.
Rrrrr.
Mmm.
