You Can't Be Nice to a Narcissist

I can relate to narcissists. I love attention, I often overestimate myself, and I enjoy it when I am the topic of conversation. I’m going to talk about how to deal with narcissists, but I’m going to expand that definition beyond people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and speak generally about certain kinds of people.

While I don’t view myself through the lens of NPD, I do find that calibrating for my personality in the same way that narcissists might has been useful in my life. For example, I think what I have to say is special and should be given extra attention (which is probably not terribly surprising, considering you’re reading this on a website built on the significance of my opinions). Instead of denying this fact, I accept it and try and calibrate for it. These are the things I say to myself when in conversation with someone, especially someone new.

Listen more, talk less.
Be interested in them, don’t make everything about you.

Chances are you know people with these kinds of tendencies, because it’s pretty common — yet almost no one knows how to deal with it effectively. In fact, what most people do ends up enabling these folks instead of helping us become aware of and correct problematic behavior. You can’t be nice. You can’t tiptoe around their self-esteem, and you can’t think they are allocating the same amount of attention to other people as you might be.

Before we begin — let’s talk about the word narcissist, because it gets tossed around a lot and it’s worth taking a closer look at.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a rare mental health disorder in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)¹, and that’s not what I’m referring to when I say “I can relate to narcissists”. I used to casually throw around the term “narcissist” until I actually met at few of them and realized what we’re talking about is far more serious than someone who thinks very highly of themselves.

There are plenty of other people who are doing great work around NPD, and while that is a worthy thing to study, it’s not the focus of this essay, so I won’t try and get into it too deeply.

For that reason, I’m just going focus on people that I’m referring to as having a “narcissistic tendencies” and at times I may just say “narcissists” for the sake of simplicity. It’s not that the things I say here won’t apply to folks with the mental health disorder, they might, but the scale and magnitude is different, so that should be factored in when working with people who fall into the mental health disorder category.

Many of the people we love and adore have narcissistic tendencies. I believe it’s possible to exist with these personality traits and not have it destroy your life (or other people’s lives), but only if you’re able to calibrate for your shortcomings.

As I mentioned above, I’ve found a lot of success in calibrating for my personality by telling myself things like “listen more, talk less”. That’s some of my medicine for showing up as a good person, but yours may look completely different. In fact, the phrase “listen more, talk less” may be downright mean when said to some people, because it matches up with their own insecurities — but that’s the point, different people require different medicine.

Often what happens when folks don’t recognize a narcissistic personality type is they are overly gentle and accommodating, then get taken advantage of. To take a closer look at this dynamic, let’s look at narcissism on a spectrum, and like any spectrum, we need to also understand the opposite end.

The Narcissist and the Doormat

Before we dive into this, I want to say that my findings here are completely anecdotal so your mileage may vary. For a more professional take on these topics, I recommend reading Dr. George Simon, who is the author of several books and an internationally-recognized expert on character development and narcissism.In my experience, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and it has an opposite, which I call being a doormat.

Narcissists take up too much space, doormats don’t take up enough.
Narcissists crave attention, doormats reject it.
Narcissists overestimate themselves, doormats underestimate themselves.
Narcissists are lead singers, doormats are bass players, etcetera… etcetera…

In my experience, we are all either one or the other to some degree (and there are people in the middle as well). It’s also worth mentioning that while I’m choosing to put people on this spectrum for the sake of simplicity, it’s not black and white — we show up differently in different circumstances, and often as our life progresses these character traits may shift.

So now that we’re on the same page about what I mean when I use the term “narcissist” and we see that everyone has their own problems, let’s talk about how to deal with narcissists and why that’s different than dealing with doormats.

Truth + Consequence

When I think about what really works with narcissists, and what has worked with me, I sum it up with two words. Truth and consequences. Narcissists are great at blaming others, so when they are confronted in a way that they can’t escape from, it becomes a humbling and useful experience.

Speaking of humbling, here’s an example of that working in my own life.

In my twenties I was fumbling through trying to date multiple women, and I wasn’t good at it. I liked to think I was honest and didn’t lie, but I also wasn’t upfront, especially when I thought it would be upsetting to the people I dated.

On one occasion I invited two girls to the same show I was playing at a local bar. I don’t remember the context as to why I invited them, but the end result was me looking like an idiot in front of two different women who ended up meeting and at the show.The next day, one of the women confronted me. I can’t recall what she said, but I remember distinctly how I felt — I felt completely exposed because I had no excuse. She didn’t yell at me, she just communicated this to me in a simple, direct way.

You lied to me, we’re done. Good bye.

I felt horrible. She was absolutely right, and I was left with nothing but my own crappy excuses, which she clearly wasn’t buying. I’ll never forget how shitty that felt, and I felt that healthy kind of shame (Brené Brown distinguishes this as “guilt” which I find useful), and it was the kind of shame that made me change. She didn’t try and protect my ego, she didn’t fight with me, and there was no yelling or screaming — just her delivering a simple truth and walking away.

Truth — speaking directly to her experience of me with no filter.
Consequence — walking away.

That moment (and many others) have stuck with me for my whole life. Are truth and consequences powerful motivators for any human, regardless of their personality? I think so, but here’s why that becomes particularly useful for people with narcissistic tendencies.

When those kinds of people get harsh feedback, it’s not typically landing on a system that’s already been beating itself up all day. That’s not to say that narcissistic personalities don’t have insecurities or self-doubt — but humility is really important medicine.

(For more see George Simon’s article Hitting Bottom Can Help a Narcissist)

If It Doesn’t Sting, It Won’t Stick

Sometimes narcissists get let off the hook, and it’s typically because there are no consequences for their actions.I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen narcissists get “talked to” in hopes they will change, only to watch the same thing happen again, and again, and again.

If only they could just see what they’re doing wrong!

They don’t. At least, they typically don’t understand the importance of it, or the significance of it, until you bring in consequences. Again, do I think this is good medicine for all humans? Yes, I do — but narcissists need an extra dose of this, and they need it delivered straight, no chaser.

I see this in the world of spiritual teachers all the time. Someone gets accused of abusing their power and as a response, they write a weak apology note including a heart-felt promise to change their behavior.

I wish it were that simple. It’s not that the apology isn’t sincere or that they don’t intend to change — I believe they do — but I also think there’s a part of our brains that don’t register something as serious unless there are consequences associated.

“Fuckin with your cash is the only thing you kids seem to understand!”

In the case of the teacher who abused his power, an example of an actual consequence would be him stepping down from teaching temporarily (at the least). And, if he is really serious about changing, he would leave the decision about when to return up to an appointed group of people who have the student’s best interest in mind.

Consequences need to be painful, it can’t simply be a “slap on the wrist” or removal of some privileges that weren’t that important to begin with.If it doesn’t sting, it won’t stick.

But that creates another hurdle. No one wants to lose their status, or their income, or anything else that’s important to them — so narcissists are enormously incentivized to tactically deceive others, which is why it’s important for us to understand two common escape/avoidance strategies.

A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

In my experience, when narcissists are confronted with something they don’t want to see, they often unconsciously employ two strategies — one is associated with defensiveness and attack, the other with victimhood and “woe is me” behavior.²

The first strategy essentially boils down to “it’s actually your fault, not mine — and let me tell you why”. This is a clever way of turning the attention toward someone else, and while it may be true that responsibility is shared by both parties, this comment is a distraction and should be recognized as such.

The second strategy is more subversive, it’s where someone hides behind the story of being a victim. This is especially manipulative when used against people who are highly empathetic.

That’s because playing the victim card triggers a strong empathy response, and compels us to give that person a second chance. “They couldn’t help it”, we think to ourselves. I’m always reminded of the quote from Maya Angelou that says “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

It’s incredibly important to remember that, because narcissists will talk a big game when their backs are against the wall. They will tell you how sorry they are and of course — promise over and over to change, but it’s just another distraction.

The Kindness of Pain

As I’m writing this, I have a heat pack on my neck because it’s sore. This isn’t new — my neck is always tight, but today I’m in more pain than usual, so I decided to do something about it. That’s what we do, and while it may not be what we want to believe about ourselves, it’s what is undeniably true.Pain motivates us to change.

If I put my hand too close to an open flame, pain is what saves me from getting burned, because it shows up before too much physical harm is done. Our body instinctively knows what we react to, so it makes us feel something — it doesn’t just send us a thought that says “that will hurt if you don’t move your hand”. Visceral pain is our best friend, because it saves us from more suffering down the road.This same thing is true in relationships.

When we’re honest with ourselves, consequences for bad behavior happen naturally and can help people correct themselves quickly, so they don’t cause more harm down the road.

Doing things like withdrawing our attention or “telling on” that person to their community may seem like cruel acts — but when we zoom out, we can see that allowing that person to feel a little pain now — just might save them from a future where they get severely burned.

Author’s note: When I first wrote this piece in 2019 I had a very casual definition of narcissism, and I thought lumping myself in with that group would be a way to highlight some of what I’ve learned that could help other people. Since then I’ve changed my orientation to this, and made sure that we really do distinguish between people with NPD and people who just think highly of themselves.

Dealing with narcissism is no joke, and I hope this essay helps folks who are struggling to work with those kinds of people, which can include people with NPD, but for that I recommend professional help.

1
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
2
Again, I think this is true of many people, but this is especially important to recognize with narcissists, as I’ll explain below.