The Biggest Myth About Dating

October 24, 2013

How come there are no quality women out there?
How do I find the right man?
Why can’t I seem to find the people I want to date?

This may sound like you, and if it does, you’re not alone. There is a fundamental myth which is at the heart of why people struggle to create great relationships. It’s a simple misunderstanding.

We think our task is to find the right partner.

We think what’s missing is our ability to search out and find the people we want in our lives. The truth is that’s not what’s holding us back. Our “picker” isn’t broken. We are. The way attraction works is you attract you. Notice I said attraction, not selection. This isn’t a supermarket. If you are in a supermarket and want great avocados you ask questions like “where do I find them”, “how do I know when they are ripe” and you choose the best avocado for you. That’s not how it works in dating. In dating, you simply attract who you are, so if you want a better avocado, your task is to work on yourself. The only person to find is you, so you can become your best self.

Take a look at the people you have dated and that are currently showing up in your life for you to date. They are you. If you don’t like the people you’ve been dating that should be your wake up call to start working on you. To find the partner of your dreams your job is not to search out where he or she is hiding, it’s to become the person they want to be with.

Women, men want a woman who loves herself, loves everyone in her life and radically self-expressed as a woman. What are the ways in which you aren’t loving? How many men in your life do you hold grudges against? If a man that is totally happy were to literally move into your house right now and merge lives with you, would he even want to? Stop looking, start getting to work on yourself.

Men, women want a man who is a strong leader, can hold space for their emotions, provide for a family, has a purpose for living, can be a rock but not numb to the world. If the woman of your dreams (I mean a 10 in every category) showed up and wanted to date you, would you even know how to handle her? Could you keep her happy? Would you be confident you can be the partner she wants? It’s time to get to work on yourself.

People who are looking to grow themselves will be happy to know that since your partner is simply a mirror of you, being with them will help you grow in ways you couldn’t even imagine. When we get annoyed with other people, it’s only because we’re annoyed with that same quality in ourselves (if that’s the first time heard this, let it sink in before reacting). When we judge things in our partner, it’s the perfect opportunity to look at those same judgements about ourself. Relationships can be such an amazing vehicle for growth, if we stop blaming others and start looking at ourselves.

Like attracts like, and you attract you. It’s the way it always has been, and I love that. It means I am in the drivers seat of my dating life. If I want better partners, it’s totally within my control.

Is it easy?


Will it take some work?  Will I have to get over my fears?  Look at my blind spots?  Swallow my pride?


To me, it’s all worth it for the relationship I want.


Get new thought-provoking essays that question the status-quo
(and question questioning the status-quo).