The Secret to Having Amazing Hands

January 7, 2013

What if I could give you one tip that would make people melt in the presence of your touch?

Are you ready?

The more you enjoy giving, the more the other person will enjoy receiving.

The problem is most givers are so disconnected from their own pleasure that they end up simply trying to please their partner, which will work, but won’t get them the amazing chemistry they are hoping for. To really connect with your partner, you must first connect with yourself. As you touch her skin, get in touch with how it makes you feel. Maybe you want to draw circles on her skin, gently playing like a little kid. Maybe you just want to wrap your arms around him and squeeze tightly. Let what you would love guide you instead of you projecting what you think he would like.

What’s the problem with guessing what he would like? Often times your partner may not even know or be able to ask for it, so even if you do get a verbal “this is what I like” it may just be a watered down version of what he really wants. I need to make something clear though… this is not an exercise in ignoring your partner’s desires. I’m not saying “he doesn’t know what he wants so don’t bother asking”. The key is to weave his feedback in with your own enjoyment.

One of my favorite exercises to do in workshops is one where people take turns asking for what they want and giving what they want. It’s extremely powerful. The exercise is done in pairs. One person touches the other person exactly how the giver wants to (after establishing clear boundaries). Then the receiver asks for exactly how they would like to be touched and the giver does exactly that.

What’s amazing is how much the receiver enjoys when the giver does exactly what they want. What happens is when the giver is fully immersed in enjoying themselves the receiver feels loved and appreciated. Isn’t that brilliant?  Underneath all the guessing and miscommunication there is a win-win for both the giver and receiver. The receiver wants the giver to give exactly how he/she wants and the giver wants that too! Too often we just get caught up in the loop of trying to please each other and we are left with a mediocre result.

A Sad Relationship Moment

Somewhere right now, there are two people together in a relationship who are settling. They have been giving what they think the other person wants for years, and haven’t really expressed what they would love. Underneath all those assumptions are some outside the box ways of giving and receiving pleasure that they both love, but there has been no communication. Maybe they both have a secret desire for threesomes, but are too afraid to say it. Maybe they would both be really into kink and BSDM play, but that subject has never been discussed due to fear of judgement.

To me, this is the saddest thing that happens in relationships, and it doesn’t just happen with touch. Wasted potential. It’s what happens when we lose touch with what we would really love because we are too afraid to ask for it.

How would you love someone to touch you? What would be even better than that? What could you ask for that would be out of your comfort zone, but would make all the difference in your satisfaction?

The more you enjoy receiving, the more the other person will enjoy giving.

If you had twenty minutes to simply touch your partner however you wanted, what would you do? What if their only job was to sit and allow you to enjoy them? How would you use them for your pleasure if that were the only goal?

The more you enjoy giving, the more the other person will enjoy receiving.

Life is too short to not ask for what you want.


Get new thought-provoking essays that question the status-quo
(and question questioning the status-quo).